Grey's Anatomy is love.

I sometimes wonder why I like Grey’s. Why do I go mad watching Grey’s Anatomy when it actually makes me weep at the end of almost every episode? People come up with the most absurd sicknesses. People die. People leave. George (!!!) and Izzie are no longer in the show but I still go ahead and watch it. Does it distract me from what’s going on in my life or what?

No, it’s more than a mere distraction. I’m completely in love with every character in the show. I love the way Shonda has crafted them. So well thought of, so real. Like when Yang says she wishes she wanted a child but she knows she doesn’t how much ever she tries, I understand that feeling. And when Meredith says that she can’t draw the line between right and wrong, I start nodding like a freak.

Every episode leaves me with something. Every episode has a takeaway. And the best episodes are those that turn out to be creepily similar to what’s happening in your life. If not the situations, the emotions - something that just clicks.

They should make a book of Grey’s quotes. And that shall be my bible.

Getting there.

There’s so much I want to do. There’s so much I want to say but I won’t. I’ll just quietly accept because I’m exhausted. I don’t know if I fought hard enough and I’ll never know.

That’s the thing about life - you can’t expect to have answers to everything. There’s a point beyond which we should not bother trying, for the sake of our own sanity at least.

For a control freak like me, it’s not easy to let go. It’s not easy to go with the flow. It’s scary. It’s painful and I hate every minute of it. But I’m going to try because now I know what’s worth the pain and what’s not.

I might not know what I want but I know what I don’t want and that’s not so bad.

Because no amount of preparation is enough.

“I don’t want to raise your hopes but…”. Why are we so scared to give people hopes? It’s healthy to have hopes in something you believe in and why not? Why are we so hell bent on “preparing” ourselves every time?

Preparation is highly overrated. Preparing yourself is one thing and handling the situation when it hits you is another and there is a huge difference between the two. In the process of preparing ourselves, we stop “feeling”, we stop experiencing what we must. At the end of it all, we come to realize that no amount of preparation is enough.

I realized I stopped hoping. I didn’t wait for what I want because I was too busy thinking of the next step. Having hopes makes you move ahead, it keeps you alive. It helps you to deal with things better and that’s all that matters.

With hopes, come expectations but with preparation, come expectations too. You can’t help expectations. What you can help is the path you choose – the one that gives you that glimmer of hope or the one that bogs you down in the whole process.

I *hope* I made sense. Too much hoping now :P

That’s all. 

The final step.

I’m not like this. I don’t want to be like this. I’m not going to become like this. Yes, shit happens and all that and people do get into my head but I’m going to stop this from going further. I’ve had enough. This whole year has been majorly lousy and I won’t inflict this on myself due to some people any longer.

I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to be upset. I just want to be fine. And I am fine but when I start thinking, my mind gets fucked up. I don’t even want that. For that to happen I have to de-clutter my life. The much awaited de-cluttering is needed. I’m going to take charge now. The ball is in my court and all this time I was doing nothing with it. Now, I’m going to make a decision and stick to it because I’m certain the only thing required right now is - Closure.

The final step, the final page to this story. The book needs to close. It’s over and I want to leave my past and all those memories behind because carrying them with me just hurts and nothing else. I want to outgrow everything. I am holding on to the past and it’s bringing in negativity into my life.

I'm done trying to mend. I'm done trying to look at things differently. None of it is working. Everything seems like a load of crap. So, the only thing left to do is not give myself a reason to feel pathetic and I'll do whatever it takes to make sure it remains that way.

Good bye.

Excess of anything is bad.

I drank like a fish this month. I don’t do alcohol because I like how it tastes. Hell! I almost hate how it tastes. I can’t savor alcohol, I’m hardly curious about trying the different types and nor am I the “Chardonnay and cheese” kind of person.

The only good thing about alcohol is that it lets me be what I’m unable to be. It frees me, rips me off any inhibitions and I feel awesome. Every time I drink, I want to get piss drunk because otherwise there’s no point of it. I was completely okay with this situation until I realized I’ve been drinking way too often to get away.

Trust me, I’m not upset, depressed or suicidal but yes, to drink and then say/do the things I usually don’t is tempting, I must admit. But that’s it, I’ve got to stop. I won’t go all anti-alcohol but there is a certain degree of control that’s required before I go berserk.

Alcohol is not always the solution and it should not be. I need to stand up and tell people what I feel without depending on a bottle of Rum. Expressing anger is simple; it’s in expressing love where I fuck up. And I’m going to better that.

A different angle.

Let’s not try to mend relationships and struggle to get back what we used to have because that’s surely not happening anytime soon. Instead, let’s try to create something new between us. I know there’s just one angle we are aware of when it comes to both of us but let’s think beyond that because while we’re struggling to get things back to normal, we’re ruining whatever little is left between us.

The crack.

And in a moment, what meant so much to you just vanished into thin air. Relationships break, friendships break, hearts break and suddenly something that was such an important part of your life isn't anymore.

We all crave for normalcy but who are we kidding, we’re not normal. This is not normal. You know what’s normal – normal is picking up the phone and calling you whenever I want to, saying whatever the hell I want, sending you random pictures of what I’m eating and doing all the things I could only with you. That is normal. This, what we’re doing? It’s anything but normal.

I’m not stopping myself here. I just don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like I’m dealing with the same person anymore. It’s like getting to know someone all over again, you know? It takes time. But then again, I’m happy I don’t feel like it because what’s there in store for me anyway.

You might be okay with all this because you initiated it but I've taught myself to be fine with it. However, when I give it a thought, it does make me feel bad. But I've pondered enough, I've done enough, I've cried enough. I don’t have the energy anymore. I’m exhausted just as you said you are.

In spite of all this, there is something that stops me from forcing the fact that we should not talk upon both of us. Even though there is no glimmer of hope but there’s just this something that I can’t figure. Not everything has answers so I guess we’ll just leave it at that for now.

It’s sad that what begun so well for us had to see such an end. It’s sad to realize that all that is said about not being the same anymore is what we are going through.

We both know that a lot happened that shouldn't have and that the crack will always remain..