Our time here is over.

I'm one of those who are really slow in realizing the importance of what they have while they have it. And when it's finally gone, reality dawns over me and "happy realization" it is!

We had our graduation ceremony today and I was just thinking about how everyone's going to cry on the farewell day and I won't even feel half as bad because hell there was a time when I couldn't wait to be done with this college and the travelling and the early morning classes and the guilt pangs! Just when I thought I would be relieved, I realized maybe that's not it. Maybe I will miss this college and my friends and our class and everything that came with these three years of my time spent there. 

Sure life was hard when I initially started off. I hated that place. I hated every bit of it. I couldn't wait to run out of college every afternoon and be with 'my' people, the familiar people. But that's how it is right? Even when you don't want to face some things, life some how just pushes you to and you realize that you can face it and that it's not as bad as you had imagined it to be. It was all so unexpected and it's amazing to see how things worked out because I actually thought I'll turn out to be some miserable wreck by the end of these three years. 

I seriously don't know if this feeling's got more to do with the fact that college is over or that it's that time when the 'big change' comes knocking at your door. There's no 'we'll cross the bridge when it comes' because this is it, the bridge has come and there's no turning back. This is where we take off. This is where it starts all over again.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Maybe not.

We all have all kinds of people in our lives. Everyone is there for a purpose and you share something different with each and every one of them. Even though "purpose" sounds very crude, that's what it is at the end of the day. But how do you know if you're talking to that person because you're just plain used to him/her or because you genuinely can't afford losing that person and that he/she is actually irreplaceable. So, where do you exactly draw the line?

As ironic at it sounds, I think the only way you realize is when the person leaves for a while. Leaving to return? Maybe yes or maybe that's just the end of it.

Very random and convoluted thought. I know. I guess I just ace the "skill" of ruining things by dissecting every emotion and every thought that crosses my mind.

Of love and fear.

There are times when logic just goes out of the window. When you don't give a damn to the pros and the cons and the hows and the whys. When you're way too happy doing things because they make you happy. Why is it that I can't remember the last time I felt that way?

Hell I don't even remember the last time I slept for long without feeling guilty? There's always this voice in my head which tells me I'm not working hard enough. And I know I'm not but then again, I only talk. I just talk about what I don't do and what I should and what I want and what I don't and after all the talking ..I go watch TV. Yes, I go watch TV like nothing happened.

If it's not the voice inside my head, it's the voice outside which happens to in the form of my dad who's just so overly concerned that it scares me. It scares me that all my life I'll be trying to become the person he wants to see and fail at that too. Sometimes I wonder, if I'll ever be able to get my thoughts to reach him. If he'll ever know the kind of person I am, keeping his preconceived notions aside.

I never imagined that our relationship would be so complex. I think I was so busy getting scared, there was no time to actually love him. He doesn't scare me. It's just all in my mind. So much that when I talk to him, a part of me shuts down and I'm never able to put my point across. But all I know is, when my dad's happy, I'm happy and I'll do whatever it takes to make sure it stays that way.

Indifference is indeed the opposite of love and I certainly don't wish to find myself there. 

Happy 2012.

After a birthday post, ek New Years post toh banta hain :D

I'm at home this New Years.

No party.

No alcohol. 

No hogging. 

It's just me listening to music in my shorts, having maggi and enjoying every bit of the night. And that's exactly how I wanted it.

Happy 2012 world :)

Read this on Twitter --
Dear all, 2011 didn't screw up your year. You did. Also, 2012 isn't gonna make your life awesome. You're gonna have to do that yourself.

True that ;)

"She's got you high and you don't even know yet"

I just watched 500 Days of Summer for the second time and loved it even more this time. A sweet movie with lovely songs ..so beautifully shot. Almost inspiring. Watch it, if you haven't!

A few quotes I loved from the movie --

Tom: What happens if you fall in love?
Summer: Well, you don't believe that, do you?
Tom: It's love. It's not Santa Claus.

Summer: You weren't wrong, Tom. You were just wrong about me.

Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

Tom: Look, we don't have to put a label on it. That's fine. I get it. But, you know, I just... I need some consistency.
Summer: I know.
Tom: I need to know that you're not gonna wake up in the morning and feel differently.
Summer: And I can't give you that. Nobody can.

Tom: Did you ever do this, you think back on all the times you've had with someone and you just replay it in your head over and over again and you look for those first signs of trouble?

Narrator: If Tom had learned anything... it was that you can't ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence, that's all anything ever is, nothing more than coincidence... Tom had finally learned, there are no miracles. There's no such thing as fate, nothing is meant to be. He knew, he was sure of it now.

Tom: People should be able to say how they feel - how they really feel - not, you know, some words that some strangers put in their mouths.

Summer: There's no such thing as love, it's fantasy...

Summer: We're just friends.
Tom: No! Don't pull that with me! Kissing in the copy room? Holding hands in IKEA? Shower sex? Come on! Friends my balls!

Summer: Ok. I, like being on my own. I think relationships are messy and people’s feelings get hurt. Who needs it? We’re young, we live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world; might as well have fun while we can and, save the serious stuff for later.

Tom: People change. Feelings change. It doesn't mean that the love once shared wasn't true and real. It simply just means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart.

I can't. Not anymore.

I wish I could dance in public places without giving a shit about what people might think and play in the mud without worrying so much about my clothes and lick the remaining chocolate off my fingers without being told that it looks disgusting and click as many pictures as possible without worrying how I look in each and every one of them and cry my ass out till I get something I badly want and eat whatever that gets my mouth watering without thinking about weight gain and not break my head over the million entrance exams I 'plan' to give. Lastly, doing justice to the tinge of drama in me, I wish I could run down spiral stairs to see my lover waiting for me. I mean, I might still be able to do that but the lover, I doubt there will be any.

..all this after going through some old photo albums. Yes, photo albums do this to me. Hmpf.

It's tough to do all this now and it's not possible for me to become a child again especially with my back problems (I'm sorry, bad one) but anyway for now, I guess have alcohol ;)

21.

Ooooh 21. Without trying to sound dramatic, I swear I remember turning 15 some time back and now 21 it is. I'm not someone who's into birthday countdowns or someone who's even remotely excited about her birthday. And when there's an exam the next day, it's as good as negligible. So ya whatever.

I can't summarize this year in one word or even one sentence. More so because I don't really remember what happened in the first half of the year. Yes, I have the memory of a goldfish like that. But anyway, it was decent, it was good actually. Had some shitty moments, had some fabulous ones too.

So, to a year of disappointments, blissful moments, failed relationships, friendships lost and regained, surprises, new connections, new people, pleasant changes, stupid mistakes, corneal injury, amazing people and also a few assholes..

Let's hope the next year is even better, filled with crazy shit and fun. I'm generally scared about what's going to come my way next year but tonight, I feel inspired and fearless and I'll just go like -- bring it on, really! ;)

And *ahem* I'm 21 and a haaynnsum, tall, funny and sensible guy would totally do wonders to this year. Yes, you who's in charge of all this, I'm talking to you. After all, "ab toh bas settle hona hain yaar!" HAHA.

Okay. So happy birthday to me ..it is?! :)