Because no amount of preparation is enough.

“I don’t want to raise your hopes but…”. Why are we so scared to give people hopes? It’s healthy to have hopes in something you believe in and why not? Why are we so hell bent on “preparing” ourselves every time?

Preparation is highly overrated. Preparing yourself is one thing and handling the situation when it hits you is another and there is a huge difference between the two. In the process of preparing ourselves, we stop “feeling”, we stop experiencing what we must. At the end of it all, we come to realize that no amount of preparation is enough.

I realized I stopped hoping. I didn’t wait for what I want because I was too busy thinking of the next step. Having hopes makes you move ahead, it keeps you alive. It helps you to deal with things better and that’s all that matters.

With hopes, come expectations but with preparation, come expectations too. You can’t help expectations. What you can help is the path you choose – the one that gives you that glimmer of hope or the one that bogs you down in the whole process.

I *hope* I made sense. Too much hoping now :P

That’s all. 

The final step.

I’m not like this. I don’t want to be like this. I’m not going to become like this. Yes, shit happens and all that and people do get into my head but I’m going to stop this from going further. I’ve had enough. This whole year has been majorly lousy and I won’t inflict this on myself due to some people any longer.

I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to be upset. I just want to be fine. And I am fine but when I start thinking, my mind gets fucked up. I don’t even want that. For that to happen I have to de-clutter my life. The much awaited de-cluttering is needed. I’m going to take charge now. The ball is in my court and all this time I was doing nothing with it. Now, I’m going to make a decision and stick to it because I’m certain the only thing required right now is - Closure.

The final step, the final page to this story. The book needs to close. It’s over and I want to leave my past and all those memories behind because carrying them with me just hurts and nothing else. I want to outgrow everything. I am holding on to the past and it’s bringing in negativity into my life.

I'm done trying to mend. I'm done trying to look at things differently. None of it is working. Everything seems like a load of crap. So, the only thing left to do is not give myself a reason to feel pathetic and I'll do whatever it takes to make sure it remains that way.

Good bye.

Excess of anything is bad.

I drank like a fish this month. I don’t do alcohol because I like how it tastes. Hell! I almost hate how it tastes. I can’t savor alcohol, I’m hardly curious about trying the different types and nor am I the “Chardonnay and cheese” kind of person.

The only good thing about alcohol is that it lets me be what I’m unable to be. It frees me, rips me off any inhibitions and I feel awesome. Every time I drink, I want to get piss drunk because otherwise there’s no point of it. I was completely okay with this situation until I realized I’ve been drinking way too often to get away.

Trust me, I’m not upset, depressed or suicidal but yes, to drink and then say/do the things I usually don’t is tempting, I must admit. But that’s it, I’ve got to stop. I won’t go all anti-alcohol but there is a certain degree of control that’s required before I go berserk.

Alcohol is not always the solution and it should not be. I need to stand up and tell people what I feel without depending on a bottle of Rum. Expressing anger is simple; it’s in expressing love where I fuck up. And I’m going to better that.

A different angle.

Let’s not try to mend relationships and struggle to get back what we used to have because that’s surely not happening anytime soon. Instead, let’s try to create something new between us. I know there’s just one angle we are aware of when it comes to both of us but let’s think beyond that because while we’re struggling to get things back to normal, we’re ruining whatever little is left between us.