Our time here is over.

I'm one of those who are really slow in realizing the importance of what they have while they have it. And when it's finally gone, reality dawns over me and "happy realization" it is!

We had our graduation ceremony today and I was just thinking about how everyone's going to cry on the farewell day and I won't even feel half as bad because hell there was a time when I couldn't wait to be done with this college and the travelling and the early morning classes and the guilt pangs! Just when I thought I would be relieved, I realized maybe that's not it. Maybe I will miss this college and my friends and our class and everything that came with these three years of my time spent there. 

Sure life was hard when I initially started off. I hated that place. I hated every bit of it. I couldn't wait to run out of college every afternoon and be with 'my' people, the familiar people. But that's how it is right? Even when you don't want to face some things, life some how just pushes you to and you realize that you can face it and that it's not as bad as you had imagined it to be. It was all so unexpected and it's amazing to see how things worked out because I actually thought I'll turn out to be some miserable wreck by the end of these three years. 

I seriously don't know if this feeling's got more to do with the fact that college is over or that it's that time when the 'big change' comes knocking at your door. There's no 'we'll cross the bridge when it comes' because this is it, the bridge has come and there's no turning back. This is where we take off. This is where it starts all over again.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Maybe not.

We all have all kinds of people in our lives. Everyone is there for a purpose and you share something different with each and every one of them. Even though "purpose" sounds very crude, that's what it is at the end of the day. But how do you know if you're talking to that person because you're just plain used to him/her or because you genuinely can't afford losing that person and that he/she is actually irreplaceable. So, where do you exactly draw the line?

As ironic at it sounds, I think the only way you realize is when the person leaves for a while. Leaving to return? Maybe yes or maybe that's just the end of it.

Very random and convoluted thought. I know. I guess I just ace the "skill" of ruining things by dissecting every emotion and every thought that crosses my mind.

Of love and fear.

There are times when logic just goes out of the window. When you don't give a damn to the pros and the cons and the hows and the whys. When you're way too happy doing things because they make you happy. Why is it that I can't remember the last time I felt that way?

Hell I don't even remember the last time I slept for long without feeling guilty? There's always this voice in my head which tells me I'm not working hard enough. And I know I'm not but then again, I only talk. I just talk about what I don't do and what I should and what I want and what I don't and after all the talking ..I go watch TV. Yes, I go watch TV like nothing happened.

If it's not the voice inside my head, it's the voice outside which happens to in the form of my dad who's just so overly concerned that it scares me. It scares me that all my life I'll be trying to become the person he wants to see and fail at that too. Sometimes I wonder, if I'll ever be able to get my thoughts to reach him. If he'll ever know the kind of person I am, keeping his preconceived notions aside.

I never imagined that our relationship would be so complex. I think I was so busy getting scared, there was no time to actually love him. He doesn't scare me. It's just all in my mind. So much that when I talk to him, a part of me shuts down and I'm never able to put my point across. But all I know is, when my dad's happy, I'm happy and I'll do whatever it takes to make sure it stays that way.

Indifference is indeed the opposite of love and I certainly don't wish to find myself there.