Shit happened.

Yesterday was a horrible day. Though the horrible-ness (yes!) lasted for barely 3 hours, they were the 3 most terrible hours which came after a long long time. What happened? I wept. No, I didn't cry. I wept. Wept for the two people who were so close. Wept for the two people who I didn't imagine weeping so much for. Wept for the two people who didn't even have a clue.

What sucks here is that there are two of them. Both of them - so different yet so similar in the uncanniest way. I was just filled with hatred yesterday. The maddening types. I'm still angry but I know I'll be fine. Going back to those three hours ..they were plain painful. Chuts.

I can call them all sorts of names under the sun but it's not entirely their fault you know? If I understood the way they worked was it too much to expect them to know it too? Do I always have to go out of the way to make them feel good? Is it supposed to be my fucking job only? I'm sorry, I quit.

Even though I have all the reasons to say why my life sucks, I have the same number of reasons to say why it doesn't. And I'm fine. This is the beginning of a change and it's going to difficult initially and I'm ready. I'm ready for everything that's going to come my way.

I'm happy. Happy like 'tralalalala' :)

People replace people.

Who ever said that some new people don't replace some old ones in your life was wrong. I came in terms with this bitter truth long back and for quite some time, I didn't want to accept it because it just sounded so sad. Truth is, that is exactly what happens. Look back and see if there are people who were an important part of your life once don't fit in your life anymore. You'll find a replacement for each and every one of them now.

So you either find a replacement or you get replaced. I got replaced and I don't feel shitty about it anymore. "He gives her what I used to give her" - it's as simple as that. There are times when it just randomly strikes me and then I do feel terrible about it but the thing is that nothing, absolutely nothing can be done about it.

That's how life is. People move in, people move out and sometimes people just make sudden, random exits that catch you off guard and there you're left wondering how you didn't see that one coming along. Jeez.

I haven't found for a replacement for her as yet but I'm okay. I don't find the need to share such a relationship with anyone else as off now at least. I won't even say I miss her. I just miss her sometimes. I don't know why I had to add that 'sometimes' there. Maybe it's because, in the course of time, I saw her change and that 'change' didn't fit in my life anymore. Maybe it's that?

--

So, last week was super duper crazy and hectic. I just remember running around the whole day, working for the college fest and then coming home and dying on the bed. And you know what? I loved it. I loved being busy and I hope to die a workaholic. Haha. Bye.

(FYI, the 'she' in this post refers to someone who was once my closest friend)

Pa ga ma sa.

Teri tirchi nazar ne dil ko kar diya pencher

Teri tirchi nazar ne dil ko kar diya pencher

Oye pencher pencher pencher pencher pencher

Tumko dekha toh kho gaya

Main fell in love sa ho gaya

Socha tumne bhi hint diya

Lekin sandal ka print diya

Dil tukde tukde ho gaya

Uss din main jaldi so gaya

Hoye maara tune left right and center

Hoye sandal sandal sandal sandal sandal

Typed while listening to this absolutely crazy song :P
Wah wah wah, I say!

Raynndom.

There's nothing like listening to good music. Always manages to mend my mood.

Some really uncool things I realized about myself. Yes, uncool :\
I am not an attention seeking person in general. In fact, I find myself shying away from the limelight every single time but in relationships, I'm one of those who need to be always told how much they're loved/liked or whatever. I need that. I really need that much of an assurance, constantly. Too much to ask for? But aren't most people like that or am I just the lonely bunny in this planet?

I was reading my older posts. I sound so jilted and like I need help.
Gah. No. I'm purrrfectly alright, thanks for asking.
Haha.

No one reads blogs anymore or what?
A year back, there were such awesome people around :'(
I miss awesome bloggers. Come back youuu.

Bubble burst. Ouch.

I won't say "Next time, I'll not expect anything" or "Next time I won't get attached". I won't say any of it this time because you know what I am like this. And taking precautions just makes you feel all sorted and guarded for some time until the next BIG thing happens which shatters everything else again. So by not taking precautions, at least you're saving yourself from the disappointment of letting yourself down. Nah?

--

I was just wondering yesterday. Is everyone around me at a very uncertain place in life, busy battling with their insecurities or am I just around *such* people? 

You like it messy?

I'm just letting things be. I'm not giving in to my impulses and saying whatever I feel like. I'm not bombarding people with questions even though I desperately need answers. I'm just letting things unfold on their own and I wonder if they ever will. You know why? Because that's the way those assholes want it.

They have nothing at all to offer - no explanations, no justifications for their behaviour, nothing. So guess the odd one out here? It's me and my shitty need to know what's happening and have everything sorted. But who likes it sorted right? We love mess. Well then, a "mess" it is. Even though I hate mess, I'll do anything to not sort it this time.

It bloody well sucks when the people you could have said volumes to without even thinking twice are the ones who are making you think a thousand times over now. How much ever of a cliche it is, it's just so fucking true.

Feel it to know it. Actually don't. It's not such a pretty place to be in.

The control freak.

There are times when you need to take control of the situation and there are times when you should just let go. Knowing when to do what is the crucial part. Being the control freak I am, I find it necessary to always take control of the situation. The last time I did it, I screwed up. So this time, I've adopted this whole new approach and that is to not take control at all. If there's even the slightest place where I "can" let go, then I will. Well, I've told a gazillion people to let go and I'm sure you know that it's a lovely feeling but its very very difficult to implement. You can't 'just' let go. And the day you finally do, you realize the how much of a burden you were carrying. Iit's amazing and how much time one takes to get there differs from person to person.

I'm a solution giver. I was actually proud of it at one point of time. If you're telling me your issues, the first thing I do is give you solutions because hell that's the way I deal with a situation but that's not how everyone is. Maybe they just want someone to hear them out. Maybe all they want to do is vent. It's happened a couple of times, when I gave my "expert" solutions and all I heard was "I didn't ask for a solution" and I just stared blankly. So what am I supposed to do? If hmm-s and haaa-s are all they want to hear then sure, that's easy (right?)

People are weird. I am weird. You are weird. We're just all so different from each other and when it comes to wanting someone in your life, it all depends on how much of the other person's differences are you willing to accept. It's as simple as that. Or so I think. And acceptance my child, can be quite a bitch. Yes what is not a bitch these days. Everything is so bitchy. This world is full of bitches. Ya I know I'm digressing *snap*

The scary part is when you lose the thin line between willing to accept and compromising. If you do the latter, thinking you're being this accepting creature, then one day it will bite you in the ass and oh does that hurt or what!

P.S: Feels great to be able to write again in a flow. Just typing whatever's waiting to come out and before you know it, you've said whatever you wanted to in the best possible manner and then 'publish post' it is :)

Change is a bitch *sometimes*

"You've changed"

You rather have someone say that to you, than you having to say that to someone.
Seriously.

At peace.

I am someone who can never have a blank mind. Like, there's always something or the other going on inside that "thing" there. But today was bliss. I didn't even know I was capable of having a mind devoid of anything whatsoever. The best part was that I entirely did ..whatever I did in the course of the day. Get me? :\

I wasn't talking to someone and thinking what I'll do when I get home, I wasn't having a burger and wondering when someone will reply to my message, I wasn't looking out of the cab window and analyzing what happened the last time I spoke to him on the phone. When I was eating, I was just eating. When I was listening to music, that's all I was doing. 

It's a big deal for me and I loved the feeling so much, I'm falling in love with it. I want it to be my "default" state of mind. My wavering attention span doesn't allow me to live in the moment and I don't think even a moment should be spared. 

Also, in this state of mind, I find myself to be quite unresponsive which works well for me. I don't find myself reacting to every small thing. Yes, the truck came by and splashed muddy water on my jeans. So? Yes, that aunty in the train just couldn't stop screaming. So? These things were never "So?" for me. I had to react, I had to "show" them that they're pissing me off. 

But what's the point? Is it worth it? No. Not one bit so let it be will you? :)

Self loathing moments.

You know how the whole "give that extra push to yourself" thing works right? Well, I don't. I don't know what is self control, I have no clue what strong willed means but yes, I'm very very hopeful. Hopeful about the fact that tomorrow I will get up early for college, tomorrow I will go down for a run, tomorrow I will give three hours to CAT.

So, all this as you see will happen 'tomorrow'. Today I'm so sure that it will happen 'tomorrow' that it's enough to make me feel fine today. But you know what, 'tomorrow' never comes. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting and 'tomorrow' still hasn't come. 

No, don't nod your head thinking you do the same and pat me on my back saying it'll be fine. You don't get it. This case of mine, it's an extreme one. Like an extreeeeeeeme one. And only I can help myself. 

I hate bunking college every second day but no one believes me. Why would they? Do you when I say that I'm in the best of my moods when I go to college but I still choose to stay at home the very next day?

Every morning I give in to sleep and end up sleeping like someone who doesn't have anything better to do in life. Most mornings go like this when they shouldn't. There's no point writing all this maybe and tomorrow I might repeat the very things I wrote here but yes, that's the 'hopeful' me talking now. No, I'm not saying it like I'm proud of it. I'm most certainly not.

That's it.