There are times when logic just goes out of the window. When you don't give a damn to the pros and the cons and the hows and the whys. When you're way too happy doing things because they make you happy. Why is it that I can't remember the last time I felt that way?
Hell I don't even remember the last time I slept for long without feeling guilty? There's always this voice in my head which tells me I'm not working hard enough. And I know I'm not but then again, I only talk. I just talk about what I don't do and what I should and what I want and what I don't and after all the talking ..I go watch TV. Yes, I go watch TV like nothing happened.
If it's not the voice inside my head, it's the voice outside which happens to in the form of my dad who's just so overly concerned that it scares me. It scares me that all my life I'll be trying to become the person he wants to see and fail at that too. Sometimes I wonder, if I'll ever be able to get my thoughts to reach him. If he'll ever know the kind of person I am, keeping his preconceived notions aside.
I never imagined that our relationship would be so complex. I think I was so busy getting scared, there was no time to actually love him. He doesn't scare me. It's just all in my mind. So much that when I talk to him, a part of me shuts down and I'm never able to put my point across. But all I know is, when my dad's happy, I'm happy and I'll do whatever it takes to make sure it stays that way.
Indifference is indeed the opposite of love and I certainly don't wish to find myself there.
Hell I don't even remember the last time I slept for long without feeling guilty? There's always this voice in my head which tells me I'm not working hard enough. And I know I'm not but then again, I only talk. I just talk about what I don't do and what I should and what I want and what I don't and after all the talking ..I go watch TV. Yes, I go watch TV like nothing happened.
If it's not the voice inside my head, it's the voice outside which happens to in the form of my dad who's just so overly concerned that it scares me. It scares me that all my life I'll be trying to become the person he wants to see and fail at that too. Sometimes I wonder, if I'll ever be able to get my thoughts to reach him. If he'll ever know the kind of person I am, keeping his preconceived notions aside.
I never imagined that our relationship would be so complex. I think I was so busy getting scared, there was no time to actually love him. He doesn't scare me. It's just all in my mind. So much that when I talk to him, a part of me shuts down and I'm never able to put my point across. But all I know is, when my dad's happy, I'm happy and I'll do whatever it takes to make sure it stays that way.
Indifference is indeed the opposite of love and I certainly don't wish to find myself there.
Yeah, it's better to hate than to be indifferent.
ReplyDeleteI really hope you don't go there too. Just be a little easy on yourself :-)
Lol. I think I'm way too easy on myself.
DeleteYes, thanks Raaji :)
I relate so much with your posts!
ReplyDeletebeen in similar situation and maybe still not out of it...I've stopped bothering now and just do as much as I can. Not making dad extremely happy but not disappointing too.
Hmm. I get you.
DeleteI am sure everyone can relate to ths post.
ReplyDeleteI hv this habit of reviewing my day before I go to bed..Sometimes I feel I cud hv done more, sometimes I feel my day was productive...sometimes I feel ive hurt ppl..sometimes I feel I haven't been good enough..
The pressure to live up to 'expectations' can be really suffocating...
Thankfully, I hv a brilliant relationship with my dad..I can convey my exact thoughts and feelings to him..
That's great Swati! Happy for you!
DeleteThis is a very interesting topic you have started. Very good for debate.
ReplyDeleteExpectations are for everything that moves, so essentially indifference is the best response ever.
No I wouldn't say that. At least not in this case. I wouldn't want to turn indifferent to my dad and completely cut off because at this point of time, I know I CAN make myself clear to him. I just need to get rid of my fear and just be myself in front of him. Sounds simple but it's quite a task for me but I'll try.
DeleteDo not expect your dad to understand who you are until you truly know who you are. Its only when you know yourself completely that you find other people knowing your true feelings and true self without any added efforts.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the voice inside the head will help you do things you never imagined. Just do not let it drown with the noises coming from a television set.
Kisses.
Very well said. But you know, sometimes everything's ready. Everything's sorted in your mind and then when the time comes to put it out, you just screw it up so bad because of a hundred reasons that the other person doesn't really "trust" you anymore. You know?
DeleteYes, I won't let it drown. That's really sweet. Thanks :)
So true. I always used to think hate was the opposite of love, but it's the most basic of mistakes. It's indifference. And once you're there - or at least once I was, I couldn't go back even when I wanted to. Smart you :)
ReplyDeleteYeah, it's very difficult to go back to being normal.
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