Because no amount of preparation is enough.

“I don’t want to raise your hopes but…”. Why are we so scared to give people hopes? It’s healthy to have hopes in something you believe in and why not? Why are we so hell bent on “preparing” ourselves every time?

Preparation is highly overrated. Preparing yourself is one thing and handling the situation when it hits you is another and there is a huge difference between the two. In the process of preparing ourselves, we stop “feeling”, we stop experiencing what we must. At the end of it all, we come to realize that no amount of preparation is enough.

I realized I stopped hoping. I didn’t wait for what I want because I was too busy thinking of the next step. Having hopes makes you move ahead, it keeps you alive. It helps you to deal with things better and that’s all that matters.

With hopes, come expectations but with preparation, come expectations too. You can’t help expectations. What you can help is the path you choose – the one that gives you that glimmer of hope or the one that bogs you down in the whole process.

I *hope* I made sense. Too much hoping now :P

That’s all. 

The final step.

I’m not like this. I don’t want to be like this. I’m not going to become like this. Yes, shit happens and all that and people do get into my head but I’m going to stop this from going further. I’ve had enough. This whole year has been majorly lousy and I won’t inflict this on myself due to some people any longer.

I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to be upset. I just want to be fine. And I am fine but when I start thinking, my mind gets fucked up. I don’t even want that. For that to happen I have to de-clutter my life. The much awaited de-cluttering is needed. I’m going to take charge now. The ball is in my court and all this time I was doing nothing with it. Now, I’m going to make a decision and stick to it because I’m certain the only thing required right now is - Closure.

The final step, the final page to this story. The book needs to close. It’s over and I want to leave my past and all those memories behind because carrying them with me just hurts and nothing else. I want to outgrow everything. I am holding on to the past and it’s bringing in negativity into my life.

I'm done trying to mend. I'm done trying to look at things differently. None of it is working. Everything seems like a load of crap. So, the only thing left to do is not give myself a reason to feel pathetic and I'll do whatever it takes to make sure it remains that way.

Good bye.

Excess of anything is bad.

I drank like a fish this month. I don’t do alcohol because I like how it tastes. Hell! I almost hate how it tastes. I can’t savor alcohol, I’m hardly curious about trying the different types and nor am I the “Chardonnay and cheese” kind of person.

The only good thing about alcohol is that it lets me be what I’m unable to be. It frees me, rips me off any inhibitions and I feel awesome. Every time I drink, I want to get piss drunk because otherwise there’s no point of it. I was completely okay with this situation until I realized I’ve been drinking way too often to get away.

Trust me, I’m not upset, depressed or suicidal but yes, to drink and then say/do the things I usually don’t is tempting, I must admit. But that’s it, I’ve got to stop. I won’t go all anti-alcohol but there is a certain degree of control that’s required before I go berserk.

Alcohol is not always the solution and it should not be. I need to stand up and tell people what I feel without depending on a bottle of Rum. Expressing anger is simple; it’s in expressing love where I fuck up. And I’m going to better that.

A different angle.

Let’s not try to mend relationships and struggle to get back what we used to have because that’s surely not happening anytime soon. Instead, let’s try to create something new between us. I know there’s just one angle we are aware of when it comes to both of us but let’s think beyond that because while we’re struggling to get things back to normal, we’re ruining whatever little is left between us.

The crack.

And in a moment, what meant so much to you just vanished into thin air. Relationships break, friendships break, hearts break and suddenly something that was such an important part of your life isn't anymore.

We all crave for normalcy but who are we kidding, we’re not normal. This is not normal. You know what’s normal – normal is picking up the phone and calling you whenever I want to, saying whatever the hell I want, sending you random pictures of what I’m eating and doing all the things I could only with you. That is normal. This, what we’re doing? It’s anything but normal.

I’m not stopping myself here. I just don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like I’m dealing with the same person anymore. It’s like getting to know someone all over again, you know? It takes time. But then again, I’m happy I don’t feel like it because what’s there in store for me anyway.

You might be okay with all this because you initiated it but I've taught myself to be fine with it. However, when I give it a thought, it does make me feel bad. But I've pondered enough, I've done enough, I've cried enough. I don’t have the energy anymore. I’m exhausted just as you said you are.

In spite of all this, there is something that stops me from forcing the fact that we should not talk upon both of us. Even though there is no glimmer of hope but there’s just this something that I can’t figure. Not everything has answers so I guess we’ll just leave it at that for now.

It’s sad that what begun so well for us had to see such an end. It’s sad to realize that all that is said about not being the same anymore is what we are going through.

We both know that a lot happened that shouldn't have and that the crack will always remain..

Multitude of emotions.

There’s no better feeling than the feeling you get when you’ve conquered anger. When something major happens, the emotions one is likely to go through ranges from hurt to anger to indifference.

When you’re hurt, you find reasons to get angry because you hate feeling vulnerable and let down. Then after all the reasons you give yourself, you finally stop feeling hurt, your ego speaks up and you are pushed into the anger zone. This is a horrible place to be. You rot here and more than anyone else, you cause yourself the most pain.

 Anger consumes you. It doesn’t allow you to think clearly. However rational you are as a person, this is the time when everything goes out of the window. Even though anger is short lived, it takes a considerably long time for you to put it aside and move on because here’s where your big bad ego is at play. Every day seems difficult, every moment feels like a struggle. The transition from anger to indifference has to be the worst and the most difficult one but it happens.

It’s all about that one moment when something hits you and you realize how clouded your thoughts were all this while. Finally, you start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. There’s hope and you start making your move towards it. And then, the time you release anger, that’s the beautiful bit. You’re finally done. You feel lighter, less burdened and normal. And normalcy is great because that’s what you craved all this while. This is when you’ve finally let go and become indifferent. You’ve walked away from your past, all the happenings, all the doings, the pain, anger, resentment, everything. You’ve put everything behind you and you are now ready to bounce back. You’re out of that “phase” and nothing can be better than that.

I think I got there just now. It took me a month but it happened.

:)

Happiness is really simple.

This is a little something on happiness. Something I had saved long back. Don't remember where I read it but it has to be one of the best posts on happiness..

The question is not if you can do something  with someone. You can almost always find something to do with anyone but the question is if you can do nothing  with someone.

All our lives, we try to fill our time and mind with meaningless some things. We believe that if we could fill that void with something, we will be happier. But its not about the something. True happiness comes when you can sit with someone and do absolutely nothing, and not feel like you have to. Happiness is when you don't feel awkward about it, when you don’t have to continuously please someone to get their attention or get their affection because they are already pleased just because you are in the room. Happiness is when you don’t have to plan every single evening. Happiness is when you can be spontaneous, and you can only be spontaneous when you don't fear that you're going to be judged for being silly or downright crazy.

Happiness is simple. Its not what they make it out to be. Happiness is not in expensive gifts and restaurants and crazy amounts of work. Happiness is in holding hands and knowing that you can hold that hand. Happiness is sitting in a hot-dog joint and wiping mustard off of each others collars. Happiness is  when someone kisses your hands - if you haven't tried it, try it. You'll know what I mean.

Some people don’t get it, but happiness really is simple.