Grey's Anatomy is love.

I sometimes wonder why I like Grey’s. Why do I go mad watching Grey’s Anatomy when it actually makes me weep at the end of almost every episode? People come up with the most absurd sicknesses. People die. People leave. George (!!!) and Izzie are no longer in the show but I still go ahead and watch it. Does it distract me from what’s going on in my life or what?

No, it’s more than a mere distraction. I’m completely in love with every character in the show. I love the way Shonda has crafted them. So well thought of, so real. Like when Yang says she wishes she wanted a child but she knows she doesn’t how much ever she tries, I understand that feeling. And when Meredith says that she can’t draw the line between right and wrong, I start nodding like a freak.

Every episode leaves me with something. Every episode has a takeaway. And the best episodes are those that turn out to be creepily similar to what’s happening in your life. If not the situations, the emotions - something that just clicks.

They should make a book of Grey’s quotes. And that shall be my bible.

Getting there.

There’s so much I want to do. There’s so much I want to say but I won’t. I’ll just quietly accept because I’m exhausted. I don’t know if I fought hard enough and I’ll never know.

That’s the thing about life - you can’t expect to have answers to everything. There’s a point beyond which we should not bother trying, for the sake of our own sanity at least.

For a control freak like me, it’s not easy to let go. It’s not easy to go with the flow. It’s scary. It’s painful and I hate every minute of it. But I’m going to try because now I know what’s worth the pain and what’s not.

I might not know what I want but I know what I don’t want and that’s not so bad.

Because no amount of preparation is enough.

“I don’t want to raise your hopes but…”. Why are we so scared to give people hopes? It’s healthy to have hopes in something you believe in and why not? Why are we so hell bent on “preparing” ourselves every time?

Preparation is highly overrated. Preparing yourself is one thing and handling the situation when it hits you is another and there is a huge difference between the two. In the process of preparing ourselves, we stop “feeling”, we stop experiencing what we must. At the end of it all, we come to realize that no amount of preparation is enough.

I realized I stopped hoping. I didn’t wait for what I want because I was too busy thinking of the next step. Having hopes makes you move ahead, it keeps you alive. It helps you to deal with things better and that’s all that matters.

With hopes, come expectations but with preparation, come expectations too. You can’t help expectations. What you can help is the path you choose – the one that gives you that glimmer of hope or the one that bogs you down in the whole process.

I *hope* I made sense. Too much hoping now :P

That’s all. 

The final step.

I’m not like this. I don’t want to be like this. I’m not going to become like this. Yes, shit happens and all that and people do get into my head but I’m going to stop this from going further. I’ve had enough. This whole year has been majorly lousy and I won’t inflict this on myself due to some people any longer.

I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to be upset. I just want to be fine. And I am fine but when I start thinking, my mind gets fucked up. I don’t even want that. For that to happen I have to de-clutter my life. The much awaited de-cluttering is needed. I’m going to take charge now. The ball is in my court and all this time I was doing nothing with it. Now, I’m going to make a decision and stick to it because I’m certain the only thing required right now is - Closure.

The final step, the final page to this story. The book needs to close. It’s over and I want to leave my past and all those memories behind because carrying them with me just hurts and nothing else. I want to outgrow everything. I am holding on to the past and it’s bringing in negativity into my life.

I'm done trying to mend. I'm done trying to look at things differently. None of it is working. Everything seems like a load of crap. So, the only thing left to do is not give myself a reason to feel pathetic and I'll do whatever it takes to make sure it remains that way.

Good bye.

Excess of anything is bad.

I drank like a fish this month. I don’t do alcohol because I like how it tastes. Hell! I almost hate how it tastes. I can’t savor alcohol, I’m hardly curious about trying the different types and nor am I the “Chardonnay and cheese” kind of person.

The only good thing about alcohol is that it lets me be what I’m unable to be. It frees me, rips me off any inhibitions and I feel awesome. Every time I drink, I want to get piss drunk because otherwise there’s no point of it. I was completely okay with this situation until I realized I’ve been drinking way too often to get away.

Trust me, I’m not upset, depressed or suicidal but yes, to drink and then say/do the things I usually don’t is tempting, I must admit. But that’s it, I’ve got to stop. I won’t go all anti-alcohol but there is a certain degree of control that’s required before I go berserk.

Alcohol is not always the solution and it should not be. I need to stand up and tell people what I feel without depending on a bottle of Rum. Expressing anger is simple; it’s in expressing love where I fuck up. And I’m going to better that.

A different angle.

Let’s not try to mend relationships and struggle to get back what we used to have because that’s surely not happening anytime soon. Instead, let’s try to create something new between us. I know there’s just one angle we are aware of when it comes to both of us but let’s think beyond that because while we’re struggling to get things back to normal, we’re ruining whatever little is left between us.

The crack.

And in a moment, what meant so much to you just vanished into thin air. Relationships break, friendships break, hearts break and suddenly something that was such an important part of your life isn't anymore.

We all crave for normalcy but who are we kidding, we’re not normal. This is not normal. You know what’s normal – normal is picking up the phone and calling you whenever I want to, saying whatever the hell I want, sending you random pictures of what I’m eating and doing all the things I could only with you. That is normal. This, what we’re doing? It’s anything but normal.

I’m not stopping myself here. I just don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like I’m dealing with the same person anymore. It’s like getting to know someone all over again, you know? It takes time. But then again, I’m happy I don’t feel like it because what’s there in store for me anyway.

You might be okay with all this because you initiated it but I've taught myself to be fine with it. However, when I give it a thought, it does make me feel bad. But I've pondered enough, I've done enough, I've cried enough. I don’t have the energy anymore. I’m exhausted just as you said you are.

In spite of all this, there is something that stops me from forcing the fact that we should not talk upon both of us. Even though there is no glimmer of hope but there’s just this something that I can’t figure. Not everything has answers so I guess we’ll just leave it at that for now.

It’s sad that what begun so well for us had to see such an end. It’s sad to realize that all that is said about not being the same anymore is what we are going through.

We both know that a lot happened that shouldn't have and that the crack will always remain..

Multitude of emotions.

There’s no better feeling than the feeling you get when you’ve conquered anger. When something major happens, the emotions one is likely to go through ranges from hurt to anger to indifference.

When you’re hurt, you find reasons to get angry because you hate feeling vulnerable and let down. Then after all the reasons you give yourself, you finally stop feeling hurt, your ego speaks up and you are pushed into the anger zone. This is a horrible place to be. You rot here and more than anyone else, you cause yourself the most pain.

 Anger consumes you. It doesn’t allow you to think clearly. However rational you are as a person, this is the time when everything goes out of the window. Even though anger is short lived, it takes a considerably long time for you to put it aside and move on because here’s where your big bad ego is at play. Every day seems difficult, every moment feels like a struggle. The transition from anger to indifference has to be the worst and the most difficult one but it happens.

It’s all about that one moment when something hits you and you realize how clouded your thoughts were all this while. Finally, you start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. There’s hope and you start making your move towards it. And then, the time you release anger, that’s the beautiful bit. You’re finally done. You feel lighter, less burdened and normal. And normalcy is great because that’s what you craved all this while. This is when you’ve finally let go and become indifferent. You’ve walked away from your past, all the happenings, all the doings, the pain, anger, resentment, everything. You’ve put everything behind you and you are now ready to bounce back. You’re out of that “phase” and nothing can be better than that.

I think I got there just now. It took me a month but it happened.

:)

Happiness is really simple.

This is a little something on happiness. Something I had saved long back. Don't remember where I read it but it has to be one of the best posts on happiness..

The question is not if you can do something  with someone. You can almost always find something to do with anyone but the question is if you can do nothing  with someone.

All our lives, we try to fill our time and mind with meaningless some things. We believe that if we could fill that void with something, we will be happier. But its not about the something. True happiness comes when you can sit with someone and do absolutely nothing, and not feel like you have to. Happiness is when you don't feel awkward about it, when you don’t have to continuously please someone to get their attention or get their affection because they are already pleased just because you are in the room. Happiness is when you don’t have to plan every single evening. Happiness is when you can be spontaneous, and you can only be spontaneous when you don't fear that you're going to be judged for being silly or downright crazy.

Happiness is simple. Its not what they make it out to be. Happiness is not in expensive gifts and restaurants and crazy amounts of work. Happiness is in holding hands and knowing that you can hold that hand. Happiness is sitting in a hot-dog joint and wiping mustard off of each others collars. Happiness is  when someone kisses your hands - if you haven't tried it, try it. You'll know what I mean.

Some people don’t get it, but happiness really is simple.

Talk about ironies.

Drafted: Sometime in June 2012

Yes arrangements don’t work for me and which is why I know that now I’m in it because that’s all I want and nothing else. No favours, no sympathy love, nothing of that sort pictures in here this time.

When I look back, I don’t know what I was waiting for. I think a part of me just wanted to delay the process because I just couldn’t get myself to trust my decisions. Now, when I turn and see him there, I’m so glad every bit of what happened, happened because it couldn’t have been better.

Sometimes when you’re mindfucked and you have no clue so as to where you’re going, it really helps to just let go. I don’t know if there’s a god and what the whole deal about destiny is and moreover I’m beyond caring about all that now but this whole ‘going with the flow’ thing? Yea, that’s pretty awesome.

There’s no looking back and we don’t know what’s coming our way but I know we’re together at this and that’s all I need right now.  

-

Drafted: Sometime in October 2012

Isn’t it scary when you look back and see how sure you were about certain things that don’t hold a place in your life any more? Makes you rethink all the decisions you’ve made till date and wonder if they too will have an end. But can you blame yourself? Change is the only constant in life after all. Then again, when someone else’s emotions are at stake, you can’t help but get scared.

So many issues can be resolved with a simple fortune teller, no? But that’s not happening. Apparently they say, life won’t be “fun” anymore and all that. Bullshit.

Short post. Okay bye.

-

The above two were drafts. Now, I just want to look at them and laugh. I’ve been indecisive, I’ve been confused, I’ve been the bitch (maybe!) and I know it has all had a huge impact on someone else’s life. I know because I’ve been told but hey, it wasn’t easy for me either. When something happens, the first person I point fingers at is myself.

It’s very easy to tell me how much you cried and how much you suffered and walk away. Obviously you did. You know, I know, all your friends know. Lots of ‘awww’s and all that, I’m sure. But what you don’t know is that it wasn’t a cake walk for me either. Even I’ve suffered, even I’ve had moments of absolute disillusionment. The worst par being that I am at war with myself. I would stare into space and wonder why I was being the way I was whereas you could just go ahead and hate me. I’ll have to live with myself, with all the decisions I’ve made and everything else. The journey’s ended for you but I think it just started for me.

So thank you!

I wish someone was at fault here but no one is. So, I’ll have to just forcefully hate you because that’s the only way out. 

Of longgg distance relationships.

Thinking of entering a long distance relationship? Let me help u with it. DON'T. It sucks to the core. It wont let u live peacefully. All you'll do is be on the phone or skype at best. So much, that after a point of time you'll realize that u're  actually in a relationship with ur fucking phone. And then u're going to start hating talking on the phone too.

Oh not only that it will also burn a hole in ur wallet. Thanks to the phone bills and the trips u're going to have to make to see each other. People say crap like the good thing is that you'll at least look forward to seeing each other and that when u're with each other u won't fight. Let me tell u its all bullshit. U know why u wont fight, its because u would have fought a million times on the phone already. Who has energy left right? Nothing, absolutely nothing can make up for seeing each other everyday and those hugs that can fix almost anything.

Ya so unless you are in  5 year long relationship or something before a long distance, dont even think of entering one. Also, if u're so dead sure about ur partner that u know that in spite of the distance, the arguments and every other crappy thing a long distance gets along with it, he/she is the one for u. When u have the patience to wait and the confidence in what u share with each other, that's when you know u're up for one.  So that's the only question u need to answer,  really.

Note: this post was written in a fit of anger but it's surely not worth forgetting. So there!

Inkaar.

I watched Inkaar a few days back and was I impressed or what! What a lovely movie. It was about how life is all about shades of grey. There's no black or white. No one is perfect and nor are we expected to be.

The best part of the movie was its unbiased approach. The maker didnt take sides and even though we tend to believe that one of them is right and the other is wrong in the beginning (because that's how we are taught to look at things) as the movie progresses we realize that its all about perspective. There are different ways to look at situations. You might be right where you are but the other person isnt't wrong either. It makes you think if you've misintrepreted anyone's actions before or if your intentions were ever misinterpreted.

The silliest part about this is that we conveniently make our assumptions. We don't bother to "discuss" or "clarify". This is where our big fat ego comes into the picture. We think its better to keep those emotions to ourselves, supress them and move on, completely ignoring the fact that they might just overturn things in future.

Just imagine how different things would have been if you didn't let your ego take over. How many friendships would you have saved. How many relationships would not have ended the way they did. So many, in my case, when I think about it.

The movie is a must watch. Ending the post with a few beautiful lines from the theme song -
"Dil pe jane kaha, ghav koinlaga, lafzon ne diye lafzo  ko daga.
Khamoshiyan awaz hain, lafzon mein bas inkar hain.."

Oh sweet brother of mine!

Families are such a twisted concept, no? We don’t choose them, we’re given them and we just need to accept them. And as we grow up, we start seeing every family member as an individual. Most of the times we love but sometimes we aren't able to love. And that kills you because in your mind all that’s going on is - they’re family!

Every family has issues. If you’re living together, that’s bound to happen but I guess we need to make the best of it and take it in our stride. There’s always a reason for the ever protective mother, the drama queen of a grandmother, the intruding grandfather, the bratty younger sister or the really strict father. They make you and the path you choose to take is in your hands. You can either go the “wrong” way and resort to door banging every time something happens or you can choose to see the bright side and learn how NOT to be.

My brother’s 17 now and I remember how I used to panic about never being able to get through to him because all we used to do was fight. Fight for every little thing. “What a child!", I used to think to myself and get mad at him and now things are so different. I forgot that at that time, he WAS a child and now he’s growing up and as he’s growing up, we’re talking, we’re joking around, we’re having fun along with the screaming and shouting. I was never the girl who had an awesome relationship with her brother but now even though it’s not awesome, we’re getting there.

He’s not a child anymore and I should stop treating him like one. What he feels, matters ..what he has to say, needs to be heard. And I want to be there for him not because he’s my brother but because I like the way he is. One thing's for sure, he’s at the peak of his "teenager phase" and I can’t deal with teenagers. Period.

I just hope someday we’ll look back and laugh at all this and be there for each other whenever need be.

And hello again!

Hola! I was just staring into space today and I realized how much I enjoyed writing once upon a time. I stopped and I don't know why. Today, I feel like it again and I'm done giving myself reasons.

So, there will be times when I'm going to whining, serious, random, silly and a lot other things but I want to be able to jot it all down. If I could, I would totally document every thought that crosses my mind because none of it deserves to be forgotten. And also, everything can't be said on Twitter, for some things you need ze blog ;)

Writing used to make me ponder, it used to give me clarity about so many things. I remember a few conversations with certain people that would make me immediately open blogger and write it all out. Now, somehow all of that has decreased.

In fact recently when I caught up with an old friend, talking about stuff I could only talk to her about made me so happy. I don't know about others but I need such people in my life -for the sake of my sanity in this crazy world.

Also, I'm going to have to stop saying "there's no time" which practically was my mantra in the last 6 months. I've come to realize that if you want to find the time, you will.

That's all for the first post of 2013 :)