Happy 2012.

After a birthday post, ek New Years post toh banta hain :D

I'm at home this New Years.

No party.

No alcohol. 

No hogging. 

It's just me listening to music in my shorts, having maggi and enjoying every bit of the night. And that's exactly how I wanted it.

Happy 2012 world :)

Read this on Twitter --
Dear all, 2011 didn't screw up your year. You did. Also, 2012 isn't gonna make your life awesome. You're gonna have to do that yourself.

True that ;)

"She's got you high and you don't even know yet"

I just watched 500 Days of Summer for the second time and loved it even more this time. A sweet movie with lovely songs ..so beautifully shot. Almost inspiring. Watch it, if you haven't!

A few quotes I loved from the movie --

Tom: What happens if you fall in love?
Summer: Well, you don't believe that, do you?
Tom: It's love. It's not Santa Claus.

Summer: You weren't wrong, Tom. You were just wrong about me.

Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew.
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

Tom: Look, we don't have to put a label on it. That's fine. I get it. But, you know, I just... I need some consistency.
Summer: I know.
Tom: I need to know that you're not gonna wake up in the morning and feel differently.
Summer: And I can't give you that. Nobody can.

Tom: Did you ever do this, you think back on all the times you've had with someone and you just replay it in your head over and over again and you look for those first signs of trouble?

Narrator: If Tom had learned anything... it was that you can't ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence, that's all anything ever is, nothing more than coincidence... Tom had finally learned, there are no miracles. There's no such thing as fate, nothing is meant to be. He knew, he was sure of it now.

Tom: People should be able to say how they feel - how they really feel - not, you know, some words that some strangers put in their mouths.

Summer: There's no such thing as love, it's fantasy...

Summer: We're just friends.
Tom: No! Don't pull that with me! Kissing in the copy room? Holding hands in IKEA? Shower sex? Come on! Friends my balls!

Summer: Ok. I, like being on my own. I think relationships are messy and people’s feelings get hurt. Who needs it? We’re young, we live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world; might as well have fun while we can and, save the serious stuff for later.

Tom: People change. Feelings change. It doesn't mean that the love once shared wasn't true and real. It simply just means that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart.

I can't. Not anymore.

I wish I could dance in public places without giving a shit about what people might think and play in the mud without worrying so much about my clothes and lick the remaining chocolate off my fingers without being told that it looks disgusting and click as many pictures as possible without worrying how I look in each and every one of them and cry my ass out till I get something I badly want and eat whatever that gets my mouth watering without thinking about weight gain and not break my head over the million entrance exams I 'plan' to give. Lastly, doing justice to the tinge of drama in me, I wish I could run down spiral stairs to see my lover waiting for me. I mean, I might still be able to do that but the lover, I doubt there will be any.

..all this after going through some old photo albums. Yes, photo albums do this to me. Hmpf.

It's tough to do all this now and it's not possible for me to become a child again especially with my back problems (I'm sorry, bad one) but anyway for now, I guess have alcohol ;)

21.

Ooooh 21. Without trying to sound dramatic, I swear I remember turning 15 some time back and now 21 it is. I'm not someone who's into birthday countdowns or someone who's even remotely excited about her birthday. And when there's an exam the next day, it's as good as negligible. So ya whatever.

I can't summarize this year in one word or even one sentence. More so because I don't really remember what happened in the first half of the year. Yes, I have the memory of a goldfish like that. But anyway, it was decent, it was good actually. Had some shitty moments, had some fabulous ones too.

So, to a year of disappointments, blissful moments, failed relationships, friendships lost and regained, surprises, new connections, new people, pleasant changes, stupid mistakes, corneal injury, amazing people and also a few assholes..

Let's hope the next year is even better, filled with crazy shit and fun. I'm generally scared about what's going to come my way next year but tonight, I feel inspired and fearless and I'll just go like -- bring it on, really! ;)

And *ahem* I'm 21 and a haaynnsum, tall, funny and sensible guy would totally do wonders to this year. Yes, you who's in charge of all this, I'm talking to you. After all, "ab toh bas settle hona hain yaar!" HAHA.

Okay. So happy birthday to me ..it is?! :)

Judge me.

Have you found yourself to be happy for someone else, always? Is that supposed to happen every time for every random person who got something you always wanted?

Well, I'm not happy for XYZ. I want to be, really. And it's damn "shallow" of me to not be happy for her but hell, what about me? I can't help but compare my situation to hers. It's not jealousy. I know it's not. It's just this short lived horrible thing which I'm feeling because I'm pretty much hanging in the air at present, but she isn't. She's settled and that's something I'm yearning for right now, at this point of time in life.

Shallow shallow shallow. That's the word. Ugh.
These "why am I like this" scenes are such a pain, I tell you.
There's no feeling that even gets close to what you feel when you're at war with yourself.
I'm remembering the angel-devil cartoon right now. The angel's there somewhere and I feel the devil's taken over, pretty much.
I can even picture it.
Not pretty.

Okay I got it out of my system.
This whole blogging thing, so awesome. Whattosay!

So I was saying ..

There's no time.
When there's time, there's no mood.
When there's mood, there's nothing to write about.
Then how am I supposed to blog?

There's no happening and chauka-denewala stuff happening in my life right now.
I just find myself eating half the time and procrastinating of course.

Kill me. I actually don't have anything else to say.
Bye.

Disconnected snippets.

My nani gets tired of me and tells my mum:
"Etar beeye korede. Bodo jontrona de!" (Get her married. She keeps troubling me!)
HAHAHA. Grannies are the cutest creatures on this planet. Also 5 to 10 year old kids! After that they're kind of annoying and they need to be sent to stay in hostels. Okay, I'm just being cruel.

There was a time when I thought I was super smart, intellectual, so wise and so unlike many others my age. I was flying high in the sky for god knows what reason! And then something happened and I fell. And what a fall that was! Now I think I'm rather dumb and I often wonder how I was so ignorant to the dumb-ness that was staring at my face during that time.

Those who get the supplement, Times Life, must read that lovely article written on how everyone's just too busy chasing optimism nowadays. It talks about how there's no specific way to be. It's okay to not be an optimist always. It's all in your nature. You shouldn't force yourself and it's fine give in to your moods and tackle things your way.

Did anyone watch Dirty Picture? How pathetic was it? The concept was good but I hated the way they projected it. Excessive cleavage show in that movie almost makes you squirm in your seat after a point of time. The dialogues killed it even more. They were just trying too bloody hard.
BUT I think Vidya was just fabulous. What a bold step! And what an amazing performance!

Confessions of a Dramebaaz

"Chal chal drama bandh kar"

WTF. 

Firstly, the poor things are never taken seriously. 

Yes, that's about it. That's bad enough. And you're waiting for more?

--

Distractions. Screw distractions. I came online to solve a paper and I did everything else except that. From joining StumbleUpon to stalking people on Facebook to having a retarded Gtalk conversation. Every damn thing. It's like when you just have to do something, you find all the reasons to not do that exact thing. 

I need to listen to new songs. I need to get back to reading books.

So please, recommend some good ones. Thengs! Bye.

Also, I'm waiting for some fairy to appear one night and teach me tricks to tackle Quantitative Aptitude questions in those entrance exams. 

Yes, I've started believing in fairies. Also, clowns and vampires and tooth fairies and werewolves and Santa Claus.

Okay, I must solve that paper now. 

Writing a blog post was the only thing left. 

And I said bye long back.

Also I was thinking, is stomach the only way to a man's heart?
Because I don't know how to cook. And I could use a man some time. You know?

Because I might just burst out any second..

..in tears or in anger. Either one.

I need to control my anger before I end up murdering somebody. I just need to.
And no, breathe in breathe out techniques don't help because nothing strikes me that time.

Anger management is a must right now.
That's it.

Maybe I should meditate ..

Only questions. No answers.

Back when I was a HUGE fan of The Secret, I had subscribed for these Secret Scrolls which would be mailed to us regularly. That was the time when I was this crazy believer of The Secret and I found myself connecting all that happened in my life to what the book spoke about. I would also rush to recommend it to anybody and everybody even some random aunty in the lift maybe. "Oh book? You must read The Secret! It's a life changing book. Also watch the movie ..yadda yadda yadda" 

Now things are different. Why? Long story. I still agree with a few things though but I do have a lot of questions too.

Anyhoo point is, now I don't entirely believe in what the book has to say .. but nevertheless, I just happen to check the Secret Scrolls at times. I come across some that don't make much sense to me and others that make ..too much sense.

I stumbled upon one this morning. Here goes ..

To desire something is in proper accordance with the law. You attract what you desire. To need something is misuse of the law. You cannot attract what you need if you feel you need it urgently or desperately, because that emotion contains fear. That kind of "needing" keeps things away. Desire everything. Need nothing.

Why did this hit me? It's because I was "needing" a few things a bit too much recently and breaking my head over them ..

I don't know if there's a God but when such things happen, is it JUST coincidence or does crap like "the universe is talking to you" and shit actually exist? :O

Hi. Hi. Hi.

Just read this beautiful mail I had written to someone on November 7th, 2010. I was apprehensive at first but I'm glad I finally read it. You know how you just conveniently forget some minute details about how your state of mind was a year back right? Those exact emotions, the pain, what mattered, what did not ..all that came back to me, after reading that mail and it felt great knowing that somehow.

At times, I just read all my old blog posts, which is why I don't want to delete my old blog or do away with those diaries I "tried" maintaining but eventually failed. Oh and also because I am a compulsive hoarder. A "neat" compulsive hoarder, so to say :P

--

Met C after ages last evening and we had one of the best conversations ever over coffee. I miss that. I miss that "heavy philo"shit sometimes, those mind stimulating conversations .. especially when you're getting an  overdose of the frivolous talks. You know? :\

Aaaaand a special mention to Isha of Chaai, Paani, Etc. , one of MY favourite bloggers! :)
Once again, thanks a ton! 

Rockstar.

"Jo bhi main, kehna chahoon
Barbaad karein, alfaz mere, alfaz mere"


WHAT.A.MOVIE.
There's so much I want to say but I'm just not able to put it out in words here.
So, I guess I'll just leave it at that.

Just when I thought I was starting to stop believing in love, this movie comes in and makes me weep and I wonder, if I'll ever experience those intense emotions ever. If I'll be that fortunate..

Of self deception.

Sometimes we make things a bigger issue than they actually are, in our head. We glorify it and mull over it, not realizing how futile it is to do so. We feel it's a big deal but completely miss out on the fact that maybe it's just us. It's more like - "We've been at it for so long that not being at it, seems wrong" *. So think about all the things you're obsessing over currently, for all you know it's not all that big a deal at all. Whatever it may be.

--

I haven't replied to the comments on the previous post because I realized quite a few things about myself. Even though I feel like scrapping the post as of now as I no longer completely agree with it, I think I'm just going to let it be.

What happens is that you're just so used to saying certain things at times that you begin to "feel" you're like that but you don't realize that, that's not actually your reality. That's just something you gathered from talking to people or reading about it. And then when you see that your thoughts and actions don't coincide, you begin wonder what you're actually looking for. Talk about self deception.

I hope I made sense. 
*Courtesy: Raj. I loved that line. So I stole it :D

"Let's talk about goals, children"

I'm one of those who silently crawls out when some serious uncle starts one of those "So-children-tell-me-about-your-goals-in-life" conversations! Why is everyone expected to have a goal in life anyway? Somethings are just taken for granted - everyone must have a goal, everyone should be ambitious and you must want to stir up some change in this world. If not, then ohmygod, you certainly don't deserve to live!

I don't have a goal in life and I'm not ambitious for the pits. I don't know what I'm doing here and if I have a "purpose" at all. As I'm here, I'm going to try and live a bloody awesome life and hope to die happy. So what is the need to limit ourselves to goals? Taking each day as it comes is way more fun or so I think. Keeping goals make us feel secure, that's all. We think we have a plan and that does it for us.

I don't see why everything you do should have a purpose. Isn't doing it because you like it, a purpose enough? Apparently not. So, before I gear myself for those interviews, I better get myself a proper "goal" in life because it seems to be like THE question. Yes, I feel like a hypocrite already.

So tell me about YOUR goals in life. Yes you, who plans to close the window before commenting :P
Ok bye.

Just one of those thoughts..

It’s almost embarrassing to think that you were even involved with anybody at all who today obviously doesn't hold the same place in your life anymore. Those silly things you did, the fact that you thought it would work, the times when you could just imagine spending the rest of your life with that person. Ughh. To think that I ever gave that position to some people in my life just makes me want to hide my face.

Yes I know that we must not regret. And this post is not about me regretting my past choices or anything. It’s just a random thought which crossed my mind and I know how I've conveniently ignored all the positives here but that's the point of this post. There are a lot of things to be grateful about too but yeah.

It’s like at one point of time, you were SO sure and now you just happen to come across his picture and you can't help but think what happened! But then again, such is life*

I can feel the romantic in me die slowly. And unless some miraculous thing (which is Idon'tknowwhat) happens, in no time, I’ll be bidding goodbye to that part of me. 

And I don’t really know if I'll miss it..

*"Such is life" has got to be my mantra considering how much I use it.

My bit on Life.

Just a few days back I remember being so upset, miserable and what not with the way things were turning out to be with that reeeeaaallly good friend who is no longer that close and today we met like nothing ever happened. It was just the way it used to be.

The underlying fact being that life just goes on. The most unexpected of things happen, people leave, people come back, you leave, you meet new people ..whatever happens, life just goes on and all you can do is get adjusted to the changing situations. More importantly, know that come what may, you will get used to it how much ever you hate it in the beginning.

And you know why this theory is so awesome? That's because it saves you from getting scared of what will happen in the future. Because let's face it, when has our life turned out exactly as planned.

I couldn't imagine life without her and the last two months showed me that I can be just fine without her. That is what was needed and now we're totally cool with each other. No explanations, nothing. It just happened and that's all.

So, whether its friendship or those failed relationships or just anything at all that moves you out of your comfort zone, it helps to know you'll be just fine at the end.

-

Happy Diwali all :)
For a change, I won't complain about the crackers this time.
I shall just do my Diwali thing which is to gorge on those sweets.

Haha. Creepy.

So, the first word I saw here was - lazy. Yes, lazy.
Even this random game tells me I'm lazy. I must be really really lazy.

Well and I also saw happy, patient and peaceful :)
Patient. Gah!

Phew!

What's done is done, now let's move on shall we?
Hmm. I'm talking to myself after my previous post.

Oh, you must read this: http://raajii.blogspot.com/2011/10/these-things.html
Beautifully written, as always! :)

I feel sorted. You ask why?
Well because I finally understood chi-square and F test.
*adjusts nerdy specs*

My vella-panti days are coming to an end. The eye is getting better and you don't know how GLAD I am!
I slept so much in these 15 days, I think I completed the quota for the next 2 months.

I need to start living a "disciplined" life.
Ya I had nothing to do in the last two weeks so I made an agenda. I'm going to act all superstitious now and not blurt it out here.
*ahem*
I better follow it.
I also wrote a matrimonial ad for a friend which turned to be be pretty awesome :P

I'm sorry. I'll never complain about being loaded with work. Never ever.
These 15 days - was the universe's slap on my face. 

That horrible feeling, go away.

Ha. I don't know where to start. I feel like I've written something like this before but oh well, I'm just going to continue anyway.

There have been instances where I've looked back and felt stupid. Times when I felt like a complete idiot doing the things I did. But nothing has been as BIG as this one. I'm finding it really difficult to forgive myself this time because I hadn't expected this at all. Being this stupid is NOT allowed.

I've always maintained the fact that I don't regret anything in life but this just kills it. I'm forced to say that I finally do regret something. And no, I've tried thinking about what that 'mistake' gave me and yes, it gave me quite a bit, it taught me a lot but somehow when compared to my stupidity, everything falls short.

It's a horrible feeling. It doesn't matter how mad you are at anyone else, when you're mad at yourself, it's crazy. It just keeps coming back to you and pinching you and you just start hating yourself for what you did all over again.

Guess I'll just have to wait for this feeling to get the hell out of my system.
I also want to throttle him and push him into a well. Well but these are things you just can't do. 
I never want to find myself in such a situation ever again.

--

I just read the whole thing. This whole 'mistake' sounds pretty shady :P
No, I'm not talking about regretful sex or anything.
I'm talking about believing in something that wasn't worth it in the first place.

Generally, I'm at a very happy place in life. There's a lot to do, so much to look forward to. Excites me at times and the other times, I'm just plain scared and curious. But then, there come days when some people's presence skull-fucks you with reminders and you wonder what they're still doing in your life or your Facebook list for that matter :\

Oh and also, 1 more week and I get my life back.
TADAAAAAAA!

What eventful days! Whattosay!

The last few days were crazy. I learnt that I'm down with corneal injury and before I knew it, I was stationed at home with my life revolving around my bed, my eye loaded with eye drops and of course the creature I would see in the mirror everyday would scare me every time I managed to take a glance.

Who would have known that one random statement which went like "I don't want to give these exams ya!" would have actually come true and here I am ..as jobless and vella as ever while all my friends are struggling with the portion. The next few lines are super predictable and you don't get a chocolate for guessing - I rather be giving the exams man! :|

Anyhoo, so after all the crying and the thinking and the 'accepting', I'm finally okay with this whole corneal injury business. Sounds damn fancy I must say. And when doctors go like "This is one of the worst cases I've ever seen", it just makes me think what I actually did with my eye! Like WHAT!

Okay so coming to what I actually wrote this post for.
The day I fell sick and was told that I would take at least 15 days to recover, I saw all my plans come crashing down. I mean, I had so much to do. Exams, meet people, go for a mini vacation, work and what not! I couldn't afford to lie around like some jobless thing! I didn't know what to do. I don't believe in God or any supernatural being. I don't chant or anything. But at that moment, I found myself questioning the 'universe' (let's put it that way) and I was just desperately hoping that some miracle happens and I get out of this as soon as possible. But you know, nothing was helping. Nothing assured me even for that moment that things will be alright. I think that's where faith comes in. When you believe in God or something, it just helps you come in terms with those adverse situations at that moment and it calms you down. You can stop crying and go like "Ya, god's there. I'll be fine" and you pray your ass out. No, I'm not going all endorsing any idea as such. I'm just tracing out a believer's and a non-believer's state of mind. And I don't know about any other non-believer but there have been times when I've felt like - what if there's a God or should I just believe in him blindly too. But then again, that hardly lasts 10 seconds.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to what you believe in. What you believe in, works for you and that's about it.

I typed all this with one proper eye and one blurred. Okay now go all 'awwwwwwwwwwwh'
Lol. Bye bye!

Let me get all preachy on this note and say - Don't ever ever ever take your eyes for granted. You need those precious little things for each and every thing! And if you wear contact lenses, clean them a zillion times before wearing them. Wake up an hour before if you are prone to getting late. I don't care. Do whatever! Now, as soon as I step out of home, I shall go specs hunting and get myself ooh-lala oh so sexy specs!

See you!

What goes?

So, I’m fussy.

And moody.
Also pretty stubborn.
I snap out during conversations, at times.
And yes, I don’t smile much.

But I don’t think I want to change.

And that’s scary, isn’t it?

Now, this is what I call a kaun-karega-mujhse-shaadi moment :P

NAHIIIIIIIIII.

Because I just had to.

I realized I like playing the agony aunt and giving advice to people. It makes me forget my issues if nothing else. No, not the sadist way. Lol.
But at present, I'm really happy. No guy, no problems. That's it. I cracked it :P

There are a few I'm-so-screwed-I-don't-know-what-I'm-going-to-do-after-third-year issues but well, that can wait I think. I shall sort them out soon. I better. There's hardly any time left. Just 2 months of college and then prelims and then boards and then what? OHMYGOD. No, they can't wait! Time's just flying away!

*dies of a panic attack*

--

Whenever I don't have much to say, I get all quote-y! I'm a sucker for quotes, just by the way.

‘In a world where everyone struggles to survive whatever the cost, how could one judge those people who decide to die? No one can judge. Each person knows the extent of their own suffering, or the total absence of meaning in their lives’
- Veronika Decides to Die

Oh I missed you, HIMYM.

"It’s just everyday, I think I believe a little less and a little less and a little less. And that sucks" - Ted Mosby.

*sigh*

He's always on Facebook. LALALA.

Facebook is such a pain and I find it necessary to keep saying this from time to time. I wish I could just delete my account and live happily ever after but I need it for work related purposes and ARGHHH, that sucks!

I’m really old fashioned when it comes to such things. I fancy the life they used to have earlier, you know when there were such few modes of keeping in touch. Then something happened and came along technology and other such things which don’t let you forget people, which don’t allow you to conveniently tick people off your life because they’re always there somewhere hanging reminding you of their existence, either in your phone contacts or your Facebook contacts or your BBM contacts! Whaaaaat!

Oh and have you watched that Vodafone ad where that guy thinks he’s the coolest person ever and goes about singing on how he’s always on Facebook?

Day and night.

He's always on facebook.

I comment, share, blog.

                                              He's always on facebook.

Facebook. I'm always on facebook. 

Where else would I be.

Where else would you be? Seriously?
Try and get a life, maybe?

--

Ya so it’s 4:30 in the morning and I was doing Theory of Profits, Risks and Uncertainty and I swear I don’t know how I landed here.

Why, oh why!

Why are some people so awesome?
Why am I always hungry?
Why are some people so sorted?
Why do some people have the perfect nose?
Why do I love sleeping so much?
Why can't it stop raining already?
Why am I always late?
Why can't Bombay have Metro?
Why do I love procrastinating?
Why am I so obsessed with my hair?
Why have I never had cute neighbours?
Why is Delhi so far?
Why is Ranbir Kapoor so hot?
Why is Tusshar Kapoor .. not so hot?

Okaaaay. I see CAKEEE. Bye!

I was just bored. Don't kill me

Powerful.

I just ended things with him. And she is anyway not really a part of my life anymore.

Now when I think of it, I see that there's not a single person in my life at the moment who I'm emotionally dependent on. So dependent that I could give them the power to mess with me. No one.
And that coming from me, is a huge thing.
I feel powerful and in total control. And is that awesome or what.

You know the best way to come over someone?
It's when you're "lucky" enough to witness the person change drastically, so much that you don't identify with him/her any longer. Yes, you'll have a gazillion questions but when you see them going unanswered, you'll eventually get tired and stop looking for answers. By the end of it, you'll just be exhausted and before you know it, you've left all of it behind you. 

After 1 month and 4 days.

"Tragedy makes for a great story but ultimately its hollow and cruel. 

Do yourself that favour. Let some light in. Even in your darkest hour."

Good one.

I read this in Filmfare. No, I'm not kidding.

--

So yesterday you used to talk to this person every single day, without fail and today you need to think for at least an hour before calling her. And then when you finally do, you try your best to avoid those awkward silences and you ask the most weirdest questions just to fill in the gaps. After all that is done, you keep the phone and let out a sigh of relief. 

"Wasn't all that bad"

...but the crack still remains and it's going to be there for the rest of your lives. There's no denying that. 

What am I doing?!

What am I doing?!

I've asked myself this question a thousand times over already. You know the times when you exactly know what's going wrong but you don't have the courage to call it the quits or withdraw yourself because of the simple reason that you fear change. The times when you feel you rather stick to the same old thing and not take any action. Think about it, how many times will you make an attempt to 'try' and settle things. It's just plain tiring, isn't it?

Fairy tale beginnings never ever ever work out well. Fairy tale beginnings look best in books and that's where they should be. Period. Or maybe not even there because they're fucking misleading.

Okay so I'm going to rant a little.

All we do is fight. Over stupid things and no, it's not cute or funny, it's irritating because when I get miffed, I'm just told how I can't 'take jokes'. Take jokes? Are you fucking kidding me? Jokes?! How much does one want to joke? When do you joke and when are you serious? How the fuck am I supposed to know? I hate people who keep "joking" all the time. It's just self defense. To not show who you really are and to run away from serious matters. Things which need to be spoken about! He's such an overgrown kid and that's what he is. When we talk, he makes me feel 10 years younger than what I am and I feel like shit. I hate the way I feel in his presence and that's obviously not a really good sign right?

I know what I want and I know this is not that but I've always settled for something else thinking that the situation will change, the person will change. But no! It's a bloody vicious cycle and I hate getting stuck in it every single time. And you know who's to blame? It's me.

I'm losing it. I needed to write this out. I feel better now. If I could slap him and throw some eggs or something at him, I would have felt way better but anyway. This is okay. And okay is fine. 

Death of an SRK fan.

This is about the death of an SRK fan. When did this die hard SRK fan die? While watching Chamak Challo, that lousy lousy song from Ra One.

What is wrong with you Shah Rukh! Whattttt?

The same guy who would have that super cute half smile on while the DDLJ song played. The same guy who said “Hum ek baar jite hain, ek baar marte hain, shaadi bhi ek baar hoti hai, aur pyar ..ek hi baar hota hai.” (which was shit but anyway)The same guy who would stand with his arms wide apart in every freaking song and I would feel like running right into them. 

How can HE do something like Chamak Challo or Ra One for that matter! I’m sorry but I will judge. Apart from Kareena (who’s looking HOT), there’s nothing good about the song. 

Plus Shah Rukh, I was sticking on for a long time. Main Hoon Na came, I saw you flying in the air half the time, I didn’t say a thing. You were terrible in KANK and I kept quiet again. Dard-e-disco was absolutely unbearable but I let it be thinking it's just a phase. I’m sorry, I can’t put up with this anymore. I must leave you now.

With SRK, I leave behind so many childhood memories *sigh*

--

Alas! Now, I must move over to greener pastures (read: Ranbir Kapoor)

That said, DID ANYONE CATCH THE PROMO OF ROCKSTAR?

*faints*

Of compromising.

I'm just so irritated today. I want to scream and tear out a pillow or something. I wonder if that will help too.

Considering the amount of "mistakes" I've made, I have this tendency to keep thinking that I'm going wrong somewhere always.What happens in these cases is that sometimes when it's not even your fault, you're convinced it is and you just end up compromising. And yes, that sucks.

I'm still wondering where I need to draw the line. Every time I draw the line, something happens and I feel I should be a bit more easy. I've done that so many times that I've reached a place where I just look back and laugh at such moments.

I'm fighting for something that isn't worth it and I'm dead sure about this but I still don't want to let go. Why is that? Come up with a decent answer and I shall give you a chocolate. Haha :D

Shit happened.

Yesterday was a horrible day. Though the horrible-ness (yes!) lasted for barely 3 hours, they were the 3 most terrible hours which came after a long long time. What happened? I wept. No, I didn't cry. I wept. Wept for the two people who were so close. Wept for the two people who I didn't imagine weeping so much for. Wept for the two people who didn't even have a clue.

What sucks here is that there are two of them. Both of them - so different yet so similar in the uncanniest way. I was just filled with hatred yesterday. The maddening types. I'm still angry but I know I'll be fine. Going back to those three hours ..they were plain painful. Chuts.

I can call them all sorts of names under the sun but it's not entirely their fault you know? If I understood the way they worked was it too much to expect them to know it too? Do I always have to go out of the way to make them feel good? Is it supposed to be my fucking job only? I'm sorry, I quit.

Even though I have all the reasons to say why my life sucks, I have the same number of reasons to say why it doesn't. And I'm fine. This is the beginning of a change and it's going to difficult initially and I'm ready. I'm ready for everything that's going to come my way.

I'm happy. Happy like 'tralalalala' :)

People replace people.

Who ever said that some new people don't replace some old ones in your life was wrong. I came in terms with this bitter truth long back and for quite some time, I didn't want to accept it because it just sounded so sad. Truth is, that is exactly what happens. Look back and see if there are people who were an important part of your life once don't fit in your life anymore. You'll find a replacement for each and every one of them now.

So you either find a replacement or you get replaced. I got replaced and I don't feel shitty about it anymore. "He gives her what I used to give her" - it's as simple as that. There are times when it just randomly strikes me and then I do feel terrible about it but the thing is that nothing, absolutely nothing can be done about it.

That's how life is. People move in, people move out and sometimes people just make sudden, random exits that catch you off guard and there you're left wondering how you didn't see that one coming along. Jeez.

I haven't found for a replacement for her as yet but I'm okay. I don't find the need to share such a relationship with anyone else as off now at least. I won't even say I miss her. I just miss her sometimes. I don't know why I had to add that 'sometimes' there. Maybe it's because, in the course of time, I saw her change and that 'change' didn't fit in my life anymore. Maybe it's that?

--

So, last week was super duper crazy and hectic. I just remember running around the whole day, working for the college fest and then coming home and dying on the bed. And you know what? I loved it. I loved being busy and I hope to die a workaholic. Haha. Bye.

(FYI, the 'she' in this post refers to someone who was once my closest friend)

Pa ga ma sa.

Teri tirchi nazar ne dil ko kar diya pencher

Teri tirchi nazar ne dil ko kar diya pencher

Oye pencher pencher pencher pencher pencher

Tumko dekha toh kho gaya

Main fell in love sa ho gaya

Socha tumne bhi hint diya

Lekin sandal ka print diya

Dil tukde tukde ho gaya

Uss din main jaldi so gaya

Hoye maara tune left right and center

Hoye sandal sandal sandal sandal sandal

Typed while listening to this absolutely crazy song :P
Wah wah wah, I say!

Raynndom.

There's nothing like listening to good music. Always manages to mend my mood.

Some really uncool things I realized about myself. Yes, uncool :\
I am not an attention seeking person in general. In fact, I find myself shying away from the limelight every single time but in relationships, I'm one of those who need to be always told how much they're loved/liked or whatever. I need that. I really need that much of an assurance, constantly. Too much to ask for? But aren't most people like that or am I just the lonely bunny in this planet?

I was reading my older posts. I sound so jilted and like I need help.
Gah. No. I'm purrrfectly alright, thanks for asking.
Haha.

No one reads blogs anymore or what?
A year back, there were such awesome people around :'(
I miss awesome bloggers. Come back youuu.

Bubble burst. Ouch.

I won't say "Next time, I'll not expect anything" or "Next time I won't get attached". I won't say any of it this time because you know what I am like this. And taking precautions just makes you feel all sorted and guarded for some time until the next BIG thing happens which shatters everything else again. So by not taking precautions, at least you're saving yourself from the disappointment of letting yourself down. Nah?

--

I was just wondering yesterday. Is everyone around me at a very uncertain place in life, busy battling with their insecurities or am I just around *such* people? 

You like it messy?

I'm just letting things be. I'm not giving in to my impulses and saying whatever I feel like. I'm not bombarding people with questions even though I desperately need answers. I'm just letting things unfold on their own and I wonder if they ever will. You know why? Because that's the way those assholes want it.

They have nothing at all to offer - no explanations, no justifications for their behaviour, nothing. So guess the odd one out here? It's me and my shitty need to know what's happening and have everything sorted. But who likes it sorted right? We love mess. Well then, a "mess" it is. Even though I hate mess, I'll do anything to not sort it this time.

It bloody well sucks when the people you could have said volumes to without even thinking twice are the ones who are making you think a thousand times over now. How much ever of a cliche it is, it's just so fucking true.

Feel it to know it. Actually don't. It's not such a pretty place to be in.

The control freak.

There are times when you need to take control of the situation and there are times when you should just let go. Knowing when to do what is the crucial part. Being the control freak I am, I find it necessary to always take control of the situation. The last time I did it, I screwed up. So this time, I've adopted this whole new approach and that is to not take control at all. If there's even the slightest place where I "can" let go, then I will. Well, I've told a gazillion people to let go and I'm sure you know that it's a lovely feeling but its very very difficult to implement. You can't 'just' let go. And the day you finally do, you realize the how much of a burden you were carrying. Iit's amazing and how much time one takes to get there differs from person to person.

I'm a solution giver. I was actually proud of it at one point of time. If you're telling me your issues, the first thing I do is give you solutions because hell that's the way I deal with a situation but that's not how everyone is. Maybe they just want someone to hear them out. Maybe all they want to do is vent. It's happened a couple of times, when I gave my "expert" solutions and all I heard was "I didn't ask for a solution" and I just stared blankly. So what am I supposed to do? If hmm-s and haaa-s are all they want to hear then sure, that's easy (right?)

People are weird. I am weird. You are weird. We're just all so different from each other and when it comes to wanting someone in your life, it all depends on how much of the other person's differences are you willing to accept. It's as simple as that. Or so I think. And acceptance my child, can be quite a bitch. Yes what is not a bitch these days. Everything is so bitchy. This world is full of bitches. Ya I know I'm digressing *snap*

The scary part is when you lose the thin line between willing to accept and compromising. If you do the latter, thinking you're being this accepting creature, then one day it will bite you in the ass and oh does that hurt or what!

P.S: Feels great to be able to write again in a flow. Just typing whatever's waiting to come out and before you know it, you've said whatever you wanted to in the best possible manner and then 'publish post' it is :)

Change is a bitch *sometimes*

"You've changed"

You rather have someone say that to you, than you having to say that to someone.
Seriously.

At peace.

I am someone who can never have a blank mind. Like, there's always something or the other going on inside that "thing" there. But today was bliss. I didn't even know I was capable of having a mind devoid of anything whatsoever. The best part was that I entirely did ..whatever I did in the course of the day. Get me? :\

I wasn't talking to someone and thinking what I'll do when I get home, I wasn't having a burger and wondering when someone will reply to my message, I wasn't looking out of the cab window and analyzing what happened the last time I spoke to him on the phone. When I was eating, I was just eating. When I was listening to music, that's all I was doing. 

It's a big deal for me and I loved the feeling so much, I'm falling in love with it. I want it to be my "default" state of mind. My wavering attention span doesn't allow me to live in the moment and I don't think even a moment should be spared. 

Also, in this state of mind, I find myself to be quite unresponsive which works well for me. I don't find myself reacting to every small thing. Yes, the truck came by and splashed muddy water on my jeans. So? Yes, that aunty in the train just couldn't stop screaming. So? These things were never "So?" for me. I had to react, I had to "show" them that they're pissing me off. 

But what's the point? Is it worth it? No. Not one bit so let it be will you? :)

Self loathing moments.

You know how the whole "give that extra push to yourself" thing works right? Well, I don't. I don't know what is self control, I have no clue what strong willed means but yes, I'm very very hopeful. Hopeful about the fact that tomorrow I will get up early for college, tomorrow I will go down for a run, tomorrow I will give three hours to CAT.

So, all this as you see will happen 'tomorrow'. Today I'm so sure that it will happen 'tomorrow' that it's enough to make me feel fine today. But you know what, 'tomorrow' never comes. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting and 'tomorrow' still hasn't come. 

No, don't nod your head thinking you do the same and pat me on my back saying it'll be fine. You don't get it. This case of mine, it's an extreme one. Like an extreeeeeeeme one. And only I can help myself. 

I hate bunking college every second day but no one believes me. Why would they? Do you when I say that I'm in the best of my moods when I go to college but I still choose to stay at home the very next day?

Every morning I give in to sleep and end up sleeping like someone who doesn't have anything better to do in life. Most mornings go like this when they shouldn't. There's no point writing all this maybe and tomorrow I might repeat the very things I wrote here but yes, that's the 'hopeful' me talking now. No, I'm not saying it like I'm proud of it. I'm most certainly not.

That's it.